This is a dumping ground for jokes and humorous material that tickles my funny-bone, as well as serious quotes and vents on subjects that I feel strongly about.

I hope you find something that interests you!

Comments page Summary

Humorous stuff
Quotes
Politics and Patriotism
Perspectives
Comments and Vents

Humorous stuff

The church gossip
Sarah, the church gossip and self-appointed supervisor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several residents were unappreciative of her activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence. She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his pickup truck parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She commented to George and others that everyone seeing it there would know that he was an alcoholic. George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just walked away. He said nothing. Later that evening, George, quietly parked his pickup in front of Sarah's house...............
AND he left it there all night. (For stone throwers only!)

The Binary bind
"There are only 10 types of people in this world....those who understand binary, and those who don't." (For computer Geeks only!)

Why Beer Is Good For You, and Darwin.
Cliff: "Well, you see, Norm, it's like this...A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.

This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.

In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.

In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. And that, Norm, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers." (From an episode of "Cheers!")

Quotes

To the Person in the Arena.
It is not the critic who counts, not the person who points out how the strong person stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done better. The credit belongs to the person who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who errs, and comes up short again and again; who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions, who spends themselves in a worthy cause; who at best, knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst if he fails, at least fails while doing greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory or defeat.

Paraphrased from "To the Man in the Arena"
Theodore Roosevelt (1910)

Knowledge.
The best of all things is to learn. Money can be lost or stolen, health and strength may fail, but what you have committed to your mind is yours forever. ( Louis L'Amour )

Desire.
Whether you think you can or think you can't, you are right". ( Henry Ford )

"Always bear in mind that your own resolution to succeed is more important than any other one thing". (Abraham Lincoln)

"The starting point of all achievement is desire. Keep this constantly in mind. Weak desires bring weak results, just as a small amount of fire makes a small amount of heat". (Napoleon Hill)

Concentration.
"Concentrate, put all your eggs in one basket, and watch that basket". ( Andrew Carnegie )

Action.
"Some people dream of worthy accomplishments, while others stay awake and do them".

The person who says it cannot be done should not interrupt the person doing it. (Chinese Proverb)

"Our task is not to fix the blame for the past, but to fix the course for the future." (John F. Kennedy)

"A man's gotta know his limitations" ( Clint Eastwood, Movie: Magnum Force )

Courage and Risk.
"Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear, not absence of fear". (Mark Twain)

"You cannot discover new oceans unless you have the courage to lose sight of the shore"

Compromise.
"You gotta sell out to eat out." ( Tim "Fuzzy" Hall or Shawn "Elf" Walters )

Taking Control.
If you lack the iron and the fizz to take control of your own life, then the gods will repay your weakness by having a grin or two at your expense. Should you fail to pilot your own ship, don't be surprised at what inappropriate port you find yourself docked. ( Tom Robbins )

"Hell, Woodrow. It don't matter how you die. What matters is how you live." ( in "Lonesome Dove," Gus McCrae, in "Lonesome Dove" )

Political.
"A society that will trade a little liberty for a little order will lose both, and deserve neither." ( Thomas Jefferson )

If a nation expects to be ignorant and free, in a state of civilization, it expects what never was and never will be. ( Thomas Jefferson )

Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under communism it's just the opposite. ( John Kenneth Galbraith )

Socialism in general has a record of failure so blatant that only an intellectual could ignore or evade it. ( Thomas Sowell )

"Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.'" ( P.J. O'Rourke )

Politics and Patriotism

The marginal Tax System
Here is a simple way to illustrate how graduated tax laws work.
Let's put tax cuts in terms everyone can understand. Suppose that every day, ten men go out for dinner. The bill for all ten comes to $100. If they paid their bill the way we pay our taxes, it would go something like this. The first four men-the poorest-would pay nothing; The fifth would pay $1: the sixth would pay $3; the seventh $7; the eighth $12; The ninth $18. The tenth man-the richest-would pay $59. And that's what they decided to do.

The ten men ate dinner in the restaurant every day and seemed quite happy with the arrangement-until one day, the owner threw them a curve. "Since you are all such good customers," he said, "I'm going to reduce the cost of your daily meal by $20." So now dinner for the ten only cost $80. The group still wanted to pay their bill the way we pay our taxes. So the first four men were unaffected. They would still eat for free. But what about the other six-the paying customers? How could they divvy up the $20 windfall so that everyone would get his "fair share?" The six men realized that $20 divided by six is $3.33. But if they subtracted that from everybody's share, then the fifth man and the sixth man would end up being *paid* to eat their meal.

So the restaurant owner suggested that it would be fair to reduce each man's bill by roughly the same amount, and he proceeded to work out the amounts each should pay. And so the fifth man paid nothing, the sixth pitched in $2, the seventh paid $5, the eighth paid $9, the ninth paid $12, leaving the tenth man with a bill of $52 instead of his earlier $59. Each of the six was better off than before. And the first four continued to eat for free.

But once outside the restaurant, the men began to compare their savings. "I only got a dollar out of the $20," declared the sixth man. He pointed to the tenth. "But he got $7!" "Yeah, that's right," exclaimed the fifth man. "I only saved a dollar, too. It's unfair that he got seven times more than me!" "That's true!" shouted the seventh man. "Why should he get $7 back when I got only $2? The wealthy get all the breaks!" "Wait a minute," yelled the first four men in unison. "We didn't get anything at all. The system exploits the poor!"

The nine men surrounded the tenth and beat him up. The next night he didn't show up for dinner, so the nine sat down and ate without him. But when it came time to pay the bill, they discovered something important. They were $52 short! And that, boys and girls, journalists and college instructors, is how the tax system works. The people who pay the highest taxes get the most benefit from a tax reduction. Tax them too much, attack them for being wealthy, and they just may not show up at the table anymore.

On limiting goverrnment powers
Given the low level of competence among politicians, every American should become a libertarian. The government that governs least is certainly the best choice when fools, opportunists and grafters run it. When power is for sale, then the government power should be severely limited. When power is abused, then the less power the better. ( Charley Reese )

On Veterans Day
When I think of veterans...

I think of my friend who was wounded in Vietnam. He may not have wanted to go, but his country called him, and he went -- and faced atrocities that make Hollywood movies look tame. Men died in his arms and left their last wishes in his breaking heart. He came home and was spit on by liberal democrats. He works for freedom to this day.

I think of my neighbor who flew choppers in Nam. He'd spend 12 sweaty hours a day getting supplies to ground troops in hot zones, often under fire, try to sleep, and get up and do it again. He buried friends who knew a kind of love only a combat veteran will ever know. When he meets fellow vets who survived the same conflict, they have an instant bond that requires no words.

I think of my friend who spent years at sea, in and out of hostile ports, while his newborn son grew up far away from his loving eyes and arms.

I think of a member of our gun rights organization stationed halfway around the world who said he joined because he wants some rights to come home to.

I think of my grandfather, who was at one point tasked with picking up body parts after bloody World War II battles. When he got home, my mother was nearly four years old. Grandma said my young mother was "afraid of the big, male stranger."

I think of the young woman nurse who tended tattered soldiers in Korea until an enemy mortar disintegrated everything in sight of the makeshift hospital. She foreswore starting a family until she got back, which never happened.

I think of the hundreds of thousands of Americans who died fighting Hitler and his scummy allies and how there are people in America today trying to put the same kinds of policies in place that made a Hitler possible.

I think of people living in America who hate the military but don't mind living under the umbrella of protection they provide. They don't stop to think about the fact that there are countries where badmouthing the military publicly will get you killed by the government -- and that our military keeps that very government at a distance and keeps a watchful eye on them.

I think of the countless grandmothers, mothers, sisters and daughters who've cried, their souls in pieces, as their servicemen loved ones paid the ultimate price defending a freedom many "Americans" not only take for granted but seem willing to kill or let die.

I think of a fine human being I knew who wasted away from cancer and assorted horrid nervous system maladies due to mustard gas poisoning. He was still getting abused by liberal democrats 20 years after returning from Vietnam for having done what his country asked him to do. He never once spoke badly of them; he said it was their right to hate him and say so.

I think of the thousands of Gulf War Veterans who were subjected to chemical weapons and came back, got sick and in countless cases died as a result of what many now call Gulf War Illness -- and I think of the federal government's blatant coverup of the whole entire tragic fiasco.

I think of the dead on the U.S.S. Cole attack, how people say we shouldn't have a presence in that anti-America hostile territory -- the same people who watched Islamic freaks crash planes into the World Trade Center but who believe our nation should do nothing in retaliation, merely because the cowards behind the act didn't have the guts to stand up and take responsibility.

I think of a few hundred firemen and policemen in New York City and see those men and women -- marching toward a building from which everyone else ran as fast as they could -- as veterans of a war brought to our shore. And I think of their families and friends -- and the many children left behind in the wake of their passing. And I wish those pilots had been armed that day.

I think of what you can find at most any VFW post: men who lost limbs, men who lost friends and family, men who've lost families because they couldn't put the pieces together when they got back. Men who died on the battlefield but came back anyway, because they were still breathing. And men who just want to be around other men who understand.

I think of the cop who'd previously served aboard a naval vessel in places many of us would never want to go even if all expenses were paid. As a police officer, his job was confronting the city's pain, and he did it without complaining. I think of the Medal of Honor he should have gotten for the child he rescued from a perverted, violent kidnapper even though it meant he had to take two bullets and lose partial use of an arm for life.

I think of the great leaders throughout American military history -- heroic, and unsung -- who've innovated and agitated to make sure fewer visits had to be paid to worried mothers whose worst nightmares had just come true.

I think of all of the dog tags sitting on the bottom of all of the oceans and seas of the world that have real names on them.

I think of the colonial mothers who gave not only their husbands but all of their sons -- because they had to fight for the Republic.

I think of the men under General Washington who literally ate boot leather to keep from starving to death but got up and fought on when it was time, their frozen bodies aching for freedom.

And I think of all of our domestic servicemen and women who've never officially served in the armed forces but who stand armed and at the ready in the unorganized militia clearly and officially enumerated in Title 10, Section 311 of the U.S. Code. They work feverishly with spare time and money to assure that their rifle skills aren't needed here, that the fascists, socialists and outright communists in America fail in their obvious missions to undermine everything that makes America unique unto all the world. The unorganized militiamen and women are the modern domestic guard, and they perform their thankless tasks while the media tries to paint them as downright evil -- even though the spirit that drives them is one of overriding love for all that is good.

Being a veteran is ultimately about defending freedom, and freedom is ultimately about rights. In the war being waged against rights in America, there are many who labor and toil to defend our most sacred of rights: the right to defend ourselves, our families, our communities, and, if need be, our very liberties.

The last word on liberty's defense was enshrined in the Second Amendment of the Bill of Rights. Let us pray we use our First Amendment rights so effectively as to never have to resort to the Second -- but let us remember why the Second was really put in place. And let Liberty's Enemies remember it, too.

There are no words one can offer to the veterans who've already paid with their lives for Freedom; they are gone from us, their gifts cherished. Their presence lives in their descendants, and their spirits touch us all. May we remember them -- and put their ultimate price to work to extend their message.

As for today's servicemen and women and those retired from active duty who still live, one can only hope you have people in your life who will look you in the eye, embrace you with warmth and genuine enthusiasm and say something that conveys deep gratitude and appreciation. We salute you on this fine day and count you as a 21st century patriot. (Reprint permission granted, just make sure it reaches vets.)

A US Marine in Bosnia
A funny thing happened to me yesterday at Camp Bondsteel (Bosnia): A French army officer walked up to me in the PX, and told me he thought we (Americans) were a bunch of cowboys and were going to provoke a war. He said if such a thing happens, we wouldn't be able to count on the support of France.

I told him that it didn't surprise me. Since we had come to France's rescue in World War I, World War II, Vietnam, and the Cold War, their ingratitude and jealousy was due to surface at some point in the near future anyway. That is why France is a third-rate military power with a socialist economy and a bunch of fairies for soldiers.

I additionally told him that America, being a nation of deeds and action, not words, would do whatever it had to do, and France's support was only for show anyway. Just like in ALL NATO exercises, the US would shoulder 85% of the burden, as evidenced by the fact that the French officer was shopping in the American PX, and not the other way around.

He began to get belligerent at that point, and I told him if he would like to, I would meet him outside in front of the Burger King and beat his ass in front of the entire Multi-National Brigade East, thus demonstrating that even the smallest American had more fight in him than the average Frenchman.

He called me a barbarian cowboy and walked away in a huff. With friends like these, who needs enemies? ( Mary Beth Johnson, LtCol, USMC )

USA land grabs
When in England at a fairly large conference, Colin Powell was asked by the Archbishop of Canterbury if our plans for Iraq were just an example of empire building by George Bush.

He answered by saying that, "Over the years, the United States has sent many of its fine young men and women into great peril to fight for freedom beyond our borders. The only amount of land we have ever asked for in return is enough to bury those that did not return."

Perspectives

The Twilight years
A frail old man went to live with his son, daughter-in-law, and four-year old grandson. The old man's hands trembled, his eyesight was blurred, and his step faltered. The family ate together at the table. But the elderly grandfather's shaky hands and failing sight made eating difficult. Peas rolled off his spoon onto the floor, when he grasped the glass, milk spilled on the tablecloth. The son and daughter-in-law became irritated with the mess. "We must do something about Grandfather," said the son. I've had enough of his spilled milk, noisy eating, and food on the floor.

So the husband and wife set a small table in the corner. There, Grandfather ate alone while the rest of the family enjoyed dinner. Since Grandfather had broken a dish or two, his food was served in a wooden bowl. When the family glanced in Grandfather's direction, sometime he had a tear in his eye as he sat alone. Still, the only words the couple had for him were sharp admonitions when he dropped a fork or spilled food. The four-year-old watched it all in silence.

One evening before supper, the father noticed his son playing with wood scraps on the floor. He asked the child sweetly, "What are you making?" Just as sweetly, the boy responded, "Oh, I am making a little bowl for you and Mama to eat your food in when I grow up." The four-year-old smiled and went back to work. The words so struck the parents so that they were speechless. Then tears started to stream down their cheeks. Though no word was spoken, both knew what must be done.

That evening the husband took Grandfather's hand and gently led him back to the family table. For the remainder of his days he ate every meal with the family. And for some reason, neither husband nor wife seemed to care any longer when a fork was dropped, milk spilled, or the tablecloth soiled.

Common Law, Common Sense
Maybury explains why common law is so important. He has distilled the essence of common law into a brief, 17-word formula:
1) Do all you have agreed to do; and
2) Do not encroach on other persons and their property.

These principles, he argues, are found in all major religions and philosophies, and they form the essential rules for a free and prosperous society.